In the
U.S. there arranged marriages are definitely looked down upon. I mean, before I
could hardly say the words without getting a bad taste in my mouth and
conjuring up images of 15-year-old girls getting married off to 60-year-old
men. How could you be forced to marry some you might not even like? It
always seemed like such a backwards concept that belonged in the medieval times
when marriages were just another strategic move you could make in political
chess. The other night, however, I had a very thought-provoking conversation
with my host sister about marriage and what its goals are, what it means.
The
whole conversation started when I was talking to her about the upcoming
weddings that I’ll be attending and then that sliding into me asking more about
marriage norms here in Banaras. I was relieved to hear that the average age for
people to get married here is normal (basically in your 20s) and was going to
continue to ask questions when Madhu (my host sister) asked, “So, do you want a
love marriage or an arranged marriage?”. To be honest, I had never even
fathomed having an arranged marriage and I had to let out an awkward laugh when
I replied, “Well, I don’t think an arranged marriage is even really an option
for me. They aren’t very common in America.” I asked her the same question and,
much to my surprise, she told me that she wanted an arranged one. I guess I
never realized that some people actually might want an arranged marriage.
Interested in her viewpoint (which was evidently much different from my own), I
asked her why she wanted an arranged marriage rather than a love marriage and
she said matter-of-factly that arranged marriages seem to last so much longer.
Why is
that? Why are divorce rates much higher in the U.S. than in India? Is it
arranged marriages? Is it just cultural differences and the way people perceive
marriage to be? It got me to thinking about what’s at the root of each of these
two different types of marriages. For one, love marriages are founded in
sincere love for another person (as you could probably tell from the name).
Arranged marriages, on the other hand, are founded in a sense of societal duty
and inter-family relationships. To expound on this, love marriages can break
down when the two people who are married either change the way they love each
other or just stop loving each other altogether. Arranged marriages have a
stronger bond in the sense that when you marry someone else, you are vowing to
provide for and protect your spouse, regardless of whether you love them or not
(especially since love or even any familiarity is not a pre-existing condition
for this type of marriage). Technically wedding vows in the U.S. hold the same
weight as in India. I mean, ‘til death do us part is a pretty intense
phrase that many couples say during their wedding ceremonies, but there are
enough societal pressures against divorce in India to give real meaning to
those words.
Am I
gung-ho for arranged marriages now? That might be a little bit of a stretch. I
still think that a love marriage in which two people deeply love each other is
stronger than any other bond in the world (maybe excluding that of a mother and
her baby), but at least now I can see the reason why arranged marriages exist.
As long as your parents make a good choice for your husband (or for your wife),
you’re given a real shot at a stable, happy life.
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